Relationship PTSD

My father was a Vietnam Veteran and I learned from a young age that many soldiers suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).  PTSD can be triggered by the sound of a door slamming or the rotation of a ceiling fan.  Basically, anything can set it off without warning.  In those moments, some soldiers are able to calm themselves and realize they are not back on the front lines, but some soldiers are sent reeling back to a time of complete chaos and horror.  What does this cheerful topic have to do with dating?

We all have past relationships that were unsuccessful, life altering, even downright wounding.  The ghosts of our past relationships follow us every where.  They are with us when we meet some good-looking gentleman at the bookstore, the gym, or the bar.  They sit at the table with us during our first date and they are even present during sexy time.  We may not notice them right away.  It may take weeks or months for those ghosts to make their presence known, but make no mistake...they are there.

I was married for many years and went through a very ugly divorce.  Obviously I carried wounds from that time into the dating world.  It took many years to let go of the pain, anger, and hurt.  I knew it would be unfair to the men I might date if I punished them for my ex-husband's actions, so I tried not to do that.  Once I got past the divorce, I realized I had a whole new set of wounds to heal.  The ones I acquired from the front lines of dating.  Now I have to be mindful not to punish future dates for the ones from my past.

I have been open with the men I have dated.  If they do something or say something that sends me back to an experience that hurt me, I explain it to them in an adult manner.  I ask them to understand and to not do those things in the future.  Typically most of them respond with, "Don't punish me for the guys in your past."  That is not fair!  I am not punishing them.  I am expressing what I need from them.  At what point are we supposed to just be quiet and accept behavior that we are not comfortable with in order to make them feel better?  Isn't that what the soldiers from Vietnam did, just kept quiet because it made people uncomfortable to think about their dark experiences?  Are we not supposed to learn from our past relationships and figure out what we don't want to deal with again?  Don't we (the couple) need to deal with the PTSD of our past relationships?

I'm not saying that dating is as gruesome as war.  What I am saying is we all carry battle wounds from past relationships.  We all have bad memories and bad feelings from those past relationships and sometimes the current person in our lives can send us back to a time that makes us uncomfortable.  When we address those issues with our new person we are not punishing them.  All we are doing is expressing what we need from them in order to feel comfortable in the current relationship.  Isn't this whole point of dating?????

From the Fellas: Turn-offs When Dating (Part 2)

Let me start by saying thank you to everyone who read and commented on the last "From the Fellas" post.  It seems this feature is a hit, which makes me very happy!  Here is the much anticipated part 2...

When the guys began discussing their number two turn-off, I wasn't surprised.  Actually, I thought this would be number one.  Not every one of the fellas had this as their number two, but it was on the majority of their lists in some capacity.  So, here it is.  The number two turn-off: Labeling Things too Quickly

Remember that the question to the fells was, "What are your top three turn-offs after having 3-5 dates with a female?"  I was confused by the answer because it seemed awfully quick to want a label.  So, I mentioned that to the guys.  Some of them said it took females a little longer than 3-5 dates to directly ask where the relationship stood, but females would drop hints in that time frame.  We are a sneaky bunch, apparently!

All of the guys said they like to just go with the flow.  They are not interested in labeling things right away, but when they did decide a certain female was the one they wanted to be with, they would bring it up...when they deemed it the appropriate amount of time.  Every guy seemed to be exceedingly concerned with being labeled as "boyfriend" before they were ready.  I asked the obvious question of how long it would take for a guy to know he wanted to move past the just dating phase.  The only response I actually received was that every situation is different.  It may take them a month with one girl and three months with another.

I decided to take this topic and do a little research before writing this post.  Here is where I became extremely confused and even frustrated.  I remember reading that women should take charge of the progress of the relationship, but could not remember who had written this gem.  Low and behold it was Steve Harvey.  Yes, I read his book and some of it even made sense, but honestly, it seemed a bit extreme for me.

Anyway, Mr. Harvey is of the opinion that women need to set the pace because men never will unless women make the demands and standards.  He says we have the power, yet we relinquish it because we want a man to want us.  Okay, I can see that.  We all have that friend that is strong and independent until a man comes along and suddenly she is passive.  He also tells us that any man worth having will not have an issue with us setting the pace.  Agreed.  I absolutely agree with Mr. Harvey on this topic, but can anyone else see why this is confusing????

According to my guy friends, we should let them decide where a relationship stands and when to address said status, but Steve Harvey says to do the opposite.  This is why dating causes mental breakdowns and devouring of entire gallons of ice cream (and cases of wine). 

What should we do?  Should be play aloof and just go with the flow?  Should we set the pace of the relationship?  I have been facing this in my own dating life lately.  Here is what I have learned: A man who is interested in you, TRULY interested in you, will discuss this topic with you.  He will tell how he feels about such things and where he stands currently in the relationship.  He will not spook, hell, he may even be the one to bring it up to you.  Just like every one of my guy friends said each situation was different based on the girl they were dating, the same holds true for us.  If you feel comfortable discussing with the guy you are dating, then you should.  If you are not sure how he will react, there is only one way to find out.  However, I will say I think 3-5 dates with anyone is a bit soon to start picking out your monogramed towel sets.  My only piece of advice for this topic is...relax and maybe wait until you have had few more dates/time together.

*Stay tuned for Part 3.  Once again, thank you for all the feedback on this new feature!

Birthday Love

This is not my normal post.  This post has nothing to do with dating or sex.  It has everything to do with love and relationships...

As I sit here, celebrating my last birthday in Korea, I think back to my first one.  I had just arrived in Korea a few weeks before my birthday.  I was enjoying my time, but I was also extremely sad.  This was going to be my first birthday without my family or my friends.  Was anyone going to acknowledge that it was my day?  As those who know me will attest, I adore any moment that is completely about me.

I went to work that day, not sure how I should approach the whole birthday thing.  When I walked into the teachers' room, I was surprised with a purple (my favorite color) cake and smiling faces.  Two of my co-workers had stopped at the bakery, picked up a cake, and made sure everyone was in our tiny office to sing to me.  It was one of the most touching things I had ever experienced.  These same people made sure that I was not alone on my birthday night.  They insisted that everyone go out to dinner and celebrate my day.  They also insisted I try soju for the first time, but that is a whole separate post.  (Soju is an awful drink in Korea.  I learned the hard way that we don't get along).  I went home that night, extremely drunk, but knowing I was going to be okay (if I survived the hangover) in Korea.  I knew I would never be alone and I knew that I was loved.

Today marks my last birthday in Korea.  My birthday will be filled with friends and love.  I am blessed that way.  Korea has brought the most amazing people into my life.  Not a single birthday has passed without being celebrated to the fullest.  However, I can't help but think about next year.  Will I continue to be blessed at having people in my life that make sure my day isn't forgotten?  Will I be alone?  Hell, where will I be living?  Making friends has never been difficult for me, but I still fear the idea of being alone on my birthday.  I'm sure every expat feels this way at some point.  Hopefully, I will look back at this post and laugh at how worried I was because I will be surrounded by more great people.

From the Fellas:Turn-offs When Dating (Part 1)

When I started this blog I vowed that it wouldn't be all about man hating.  I don't hate men, in fact, I adore them!  Sure, I go through phases where I have had a bad experience and I want to swear off dating, but that normally only lasts a few days...or hours.  For the most part, men are much easier to understand than women.  I think the issue we face, as females, is we over think everything men do and say.  With that in mind I asked a few of my guy friends what turns them off when dating a female.  Here are some of their thoughts.  (This will be done in more than one post, so stayed tuned).

I was so surprised how many of my guy friends were more than willing to discuss this topic.  They rambled and poured their hearts out without the slightest hesitation.  My question to them was simple: "What are your top three turn-offs when you have been on 3-5 dates with a female?"  Sure, some focused on sex, but I didn't want to discuss that this time around (I will address that particular topic at a different time). 

The number one thing most of the guys told me was they were turned off by a woman who can't take a compliment.  I was taken aback by this turn-off because I didn't understand how that was possible.  Thankfully they gave me examples:

Scenario 1

Guy: You look beautiful tonight.

Girl: No I don't.  (Shy smile)

When I asked why this was a turn-off they responded with two answers.  (1) Guys see this as a woman fishing for more compliments.  (2)  It shows a lack of confidence, which is unattractive to both sexes.

Scenario 2

Guy: You look great in red!

Girl: Thanks.  I like your shirt.

According to the men, the giving a compliment in return is empty.  It sounds like we feel obligated to say something because we can't just accept the compliment.  My friends all stated they preferred the following...

Best Scenario

Guy: You look great!

Girl: Thank you. (Genuine smile)

Done.  Nothing more.  Just take the compliment. Don't disagree with them and don't give them the obligatory compliment in return.  I realize this might be a difficult habit to break because we do this with each other all the time.  How many times has one of your friends said you looked nice and you disagreed with them?  How many times has one of your friends admired your bag or shoes and you feel the need to find something about their attire to compliment?  Ladies, we need to break this habit with all of our relationships.  Take the damn compliment and say thank you!

*I want my lovely readers to actually read these posts therefore I didn't want to make this a long post, so please check back for more of the top three turn-offs from the fellas*

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When is "Work is Keeping Me Busy" True?

I have been doing the online dating thing for a long time now.  It is not fun.  There seems to be a lot of games involved and no one gave me the rulebook.  Now, due to not understanding the dating rules, I have done a fair amount of research on the matter.  I have read various articles and blogs pertaining to these so-called rules of dating and more specifically, online dating.  Some of the things I have read tell me what I already know and others completely confuse me.  A few blogs seem to be very black and white.  That sort of bugs me.  How can we blanket these rules over all situations when it comes to dating?  Are we following these rules at the risk of passing up a possibly good thing?  And who the hell writes these rules?

Now, let me give you an example of something that has been bothering me.  I had met this guy online.  We hit it off and things were going great.  We met and the sparks flew!  Yes, we slept together.  Not the smartest thing to do when wanting to keep a man's interest (this is a whole different topic) for longer than the night, but nonetheless, it happened.  He insisted he was not like the others and wouldn't pull a disappearing act on me.  At first, he seemed to be living up to his words.  After a few days passed with fairly consistent contact, he started to disappear.  His messages were less and less frequent and the phone calls stopped altogether.  The contents of the messages also changed.  He used to ask how my day went or want to know things about me.  The messages became more about what he was planning to do that day or how tired he was from work.  He would contact me once or maybe twice a week.  

I decided that I did really like him, but I didn't want to partake in what I was sure was a failing level of interest after having had sex.  I stopped messaging.  Sure, I would respond to his messages if the message needed a response, but I wouldn't make first contact.  That has been the ongoing ritual lately.  Naturally, I had decided that he was just being nice or keeping me interested enough to be able to booty call me when needed.  I did what any normal, rational woman would do.  I went straight to the girls!  I asked all of them what their impression was of his messaging behavior.  Most of them were of the same mind.  "Move on and let this one go."  "He obviously has lost interest."  A few of the ladies thought I should just bide my time, continue to chat with him, but keep my options open.  None of this helped me.  I love my girls, but sometimes I just don't see things in the same light.  My next option was to do some internet research.  This is where the articles and blogs enter the picture.

I read and read.  I thought and thought.  I took in what these writers had to say.  Some were cut throat about the length of time between contact.  Others were completely indifferent or contradictory to their own opinions.  Then I noticed most of these writers weren't trained experts.  Sure, they were experts, but not in the legal sense.  They weren't doctors or therapists.  They were mainly women.  Single women.  Just like me.  Of course, for me, there is no better expert than the person living the situation.  I decided to agree with them and write him off.  Write off the gorgeous, sweet, gentleman, who had been so kind to me in all of our conversations.  The man who begged me to relax and not punish him for the men of my past.  Yes, walk away.  He is so not interested.

I did exactly that.  I wrote him off.  I didn't message him at all.  When he messaged me, my responses were short.  In fact most of them were no longer than four words.  I would wait a good deal of time before responding or even reading his entire message.  After a few days of behaving this way, I noticed his messages were more engaging, but there still weren't any phone calls.  I had decided that I would be friendly because I could see him and I being buddies if the romantic relationship didn't work.  I just didn't want to give him too much of me anymore.  He hadn't earned it.  I was going to listen to the female writers and just give up.  Then his messages starting talking about work and his crazy schedule.  I started to think that maybe this is what is keeping him from contacting me like a normal person.  Maybe he is legitimately busy with work.  He doesn't work a normal job and he does have a normal schedule.  It might even be possible that he is interested and would like to see me again.  So, what should I do?  Do I follow the "rules" or do I make my own?  

I often wonder if we, as single women, walk away from men too quickly based on some rule we read in some random article.  There are good men out there!  I know quite a few of them.  Not every guy we talk to, date, or sleep with is a jerk.  What if we are making them jerks by blowing them off or assuming they are not interested?  In my experience, men are not the best at communicating their feelings or thoughts, especially to a woman.  When they do say things to us, we pick it apart and lose focus on what was said.  Men are not hiding messages within their words.  Typically what they say is what they mean.  If a man tells you that he is sorry he hasn't been in contact with you for a few days or a week because of work and you know his job is quite demanding, then he is probably telling you the truth.  Now if he works at an office and keeps normal hours…maybe not so much.  The point is, don't look to your friends or the internet (other than my blog, of course) for answers to how you should date.  Consider all of the circumstances and make a decision based on your gut feeling.  A woman's gut reaction is normally spot on.  In the end, I'm going to follow some sage advice I received from the only other person involved in this situation with me.  I'm going to relax and just let things roll.

You've Had Sex Too Soon!  Now What?

After doing research online and many discussions with the gals, I have learned the worst thing a female can do is sleep with a man too quickly.  How dare we????  We would be better off vomiting or farting in front of a man than have sex with him too early.  The issue is, when is it too early?  I have seen the "five date" rule and even the "90 days" rule.  Do those actually work?????

Let me lay out how this typically goes…

You have met a man (either online, at the bar or even the obscure meeting at a bookstore) or maybe you have been on a few dates already and the sparks are flying.  There is good conversation and loads of physical attraction from both parties.  You can almost feel the sexual heat.  The end of the night is coming but you know you don't want it to be over.  In fact, you know you want to sleep with him  Your body is literally taking over and you must touch him.  At this point you may touch his arm or maybe you are more bold and go for the kiss.  He is feeling it and giving it right back.  You are in trouble and you know it.  Your brain is screaming for you to stop now and end the evening.  You probably have the following conversation in your head...

"No!  Stop now!  He is never going to talk to you again if you have sex with him tonight.  Ugh!  But he is so sexy and I want to feel his skin on mine!  It's been so long since I've had sex and I need it!  He might be different!  Oh my God, he such a good kisser!!!!  Okay, I am weak and I am totally doing this.  He said he is different, so he just might be different.  He HAS to be different!"

The next thing you know you are in a vehicle heading to a location that contains a bed.  It might be his place or yours, heck, it may even be a motel.  You know this is going to happen and yes there is still time to change your mind and be strong because you really like this one, but he just gave you a smoldering side glance that practically screamed in your face that he wants to rip your clothes off.  Crap!  Yeah, you are past the point of no return.  Now you are there and the kissing is HOT.  Clothes are coming off and there is no doubt you are no longer listening to any of the dating "rules".  You have great sex which just makes you want him more.  After passionate, intense, and exhausting relations you both pass out.  The next morning dawns and you panic.

"What happens now????  Did I just mess this whole thing up????  Why didn't I stick to the rules????  I will never hear from this guy again.  I didn't make him work for it.  Why do I do this????"  Yes, you have just had that freak out in your head while he stirs next to you.  He wakes up and gives you that huge smile that says he is so happy to see your face.  Okay, maybe this isn't so bad.  At least that's what you are now telling yourself to feel better about laying naked next to this man who has blown you away in every way possible.  You are hoping that he will still be interested.  He may cuddle up on you before getting up to make breakfast, which adds to the hope.  You have more sparkling conversation before parting ways.  Begin the next phase of panic…

You might be driving home, or maybe you are taking a shower when you start to wonder if you will ever hear from him again.  A few minutes or maybe a few hours later your phone chirps and you eagerly check to see if it's him because of course your phone has not left your side since you left him.  It's him!  He has messaged!  Deep sigh of relief.  He is different!  He tells you he had a great time and can't wait to see you again.  This is better than you could have hoped for!  You have broken the rules and you are victorious!  But wait…

The messages still come in.  He may call here and there, but you have noticed things have slowed down.  The contents of his messages aren't the same and his phone calls are boring.  Everything seems more generic and empty.  There are no questions about your day or even attempts to get to know you.  All of this may go on for a week or two and the whole time there are no indications of trying to see you again.  He hasn't mentioned wanting to see you again nor has he asked for a date to put on the calendar.  Uh oh!  Week three is now coming and the calls aren't.  Sure, you may get one a week or possibly two messages, but that's it.  You respond to his messages but it may take days for him to do the same.  You may have even asked if he would like to see you again.  He says yes, but can't give you a day because of his job or some other obligation.  You flirt or even do a little light sexting, but it doesn't seem to grab his attention.  Great….stupid rules.

At this point your gut is telling you that you messed up.  Yes, you fell for it.  You fell for the "Baby, I'm not those other guys."  He got what he wanted from you.  Sure, he was probably interested in more than just one night with you, but he wasn't about to turn down sex.  Of course you can continue to keep the lines of communication open in the hope that he will cave in at some point and realize he wants you.  We have all done this.  All of us!  At some point you have to admit to yourself that he is done.  He is no longer interested in you and just doesn't want to be an asshole by saying the actual words.  He is trying to let you down easy.

You must stop contacting him now.  Just let it go.  Yes, there are exceptions to the rules.  We have all heard the story of the friend of a friend who slept with a guy very early or upon first meeting, but the guy totally fell in love with her and they are still together to this day.  Maybe it does happen, but how many of us actually know a woman with that story?  It doesn't happen often enough to make us feel better about what we just did.  You are not that girl, not this time.  It's okay.  Don't beat yourself up!  Meeting someone that causes your libido to stand up and salute is not a terrible thing.  We are primal beings who need sex.  Women need to own this!  However, if you are looking for a serious relationship with any man you must control your animal side.  It is a sad but true thing that men will not stay interested in the female who gives it up too soon and then seems too available after.  They will confuse manners with neediness.  I don't like to be rude so I respond in a timely manner to messages no matter who sends them.  I think men mistake that for me having no life and sitting by the phone waiting for them to contact me.  It's not true.  I also hate playing games.  I despise the whole "wait an hour or more before responding" crap.  Much to my annoyance I have learned that you must do these things in order to keep his attention.  All my research has said the same thing.  Men don't like when a woman is too available or too interested.  Great, awesome, helpful…except not.  What does that mean??????

How do we seem less interested but still interested enough to not make him give up?  How do we not seem difficult and high-maintenance?  I see a common theme when researching these questions.  Men seem to want women who have interests outside of him.  That's great.  I'm sure we all do, but how do we keep these guys around long enough to find that out?  Or how do we get them to ask questions pertaining to us so we can tell them what we do for fun or to unwind from our daily grind?  I have no answers for that and it seems no one else does either.  The best I can offer is that you can't immediately respond to his messages or answer all of his calls.  Now, if that means you turn off your ringer and hide your phone while you are watching hours of Netflix, then so be it.  Maybe you don't have hobbies or anything to do that night.  He doesn't need to know that just yet.  I personally need to learn and hone this trick.  I need to learn to be more aloof and relaxed about men.  If he messages, so what.  Shrug it off and maybe respond tomorrow.  If this works and he finally starts suggesting an actual date to see me again, I might just be busy that particular night, but i can suggest another night.  That would make it seem like I have a busy schedule when in all honesty, I will probably be watching one of my favorite television shows in my undies while eating ice cream, alone.  He doesn't need to know that!  Basically, it is all a game.  Every moment of this dating dance is a game.  Obviously, the smart thing to do is not sleep with him too quickly, but if you have already broken that rule, then the rules must be altered.  Imagine it's like using your GPS.  You have made a wrong turn and now it must recalculate your destination.  Back up a little and don't panic.  If he still doesn't seem to be contacting you often or trying to see you again, then let him go.  He wasn't different.