The Disappearing Act

Many feel we have lost the old days of magicians.  The ones who would place a beautiful assistant or lovely volunteer from the audience into a black box, knock three times, say the magic words, and POOF, she was gone!  Long gone are the days of Houdini and his shackles.  However, what if those days are still present, just in a different form?  What if the magicians are no longer making some woman disappear?  What if the magicians are making themselves disappear?

In the five years I have been single, there has been one constant theme.  There is a breed of the male species who are masters of the disappearing act.  They have perfected the wonderful messages, phone calls, conversations, first dates, or first time having sex followed by zero contact.  The messages stop, the phone never rings, and those deep conversations dry up like the desert.  What causes this?  Why do men feel the need to just go poof?

The story seems to be consistent with most of the females I know, including myself.  You meet a guy.  Maybe you meet him online (normal these days), at a bar, or just walking down the street.  He seems great.  There is an instant connection of some kind.  Sparkling conversation which leads the two of you to exchange phone numbers or email addresses.  You go home or sign off the dating website thinking you might just have found something promising that could lead to the elusive first date.  Of course you call your friends and fill them in so they can tell you how he is definitely going to contact you.  A few hours or even a few days pass with nothing.  Your phone doesn't ring no matter how many times you check it.  Then, finally, once you have made peace with the fact that no man will ever want you, he contacts you.  Now, many things can happen at this point.  One scenario is that you continue chatting on the phone or texting each other.  It goes great.  Connections are happening and "lol's" are coming by the dozens.  You haven't made any absolute solid plans to go on a date or perhaps meet in person, but you have discussed how that meeting would go if it ever happens.  There is flirting and maybe even some sexting.  You both exchange some photos, PG and maybe some not so PG.  This texting/phone call date typically lasts from a day to a week without actually meeting in person for a real date.  And then it happens.  The texts stop.  You send a few to ask how his day went or maybe to say good morning, but he doesn't respond.  Of course you start to panic.  Where did it go wrong?????  You search past messages to see if you somehow admitted that you want to marry him tomorrow and name your first son after his grandfather or that you are too damaged for anyone to truly understand.  As you frantically scroll, it becomes clear that you maintained.  You were witty, charming, funny, and flirty.  So, what the hell happened??????

The other scenario is that all the exchanged messages and phone calls do lead to the much sought after first date.  You meet for coffee or dinner.  What should have been a few hours turns into six hours.  It goes so well that you are certain this guy is totally into you and this is the beginning of something.  The end of the night comes along before either one of you is ready to part company.  The goodnight kiss is perfect.  So perfect that you force yourself to stop and go home OR you give in and have sex on the first date.  Neither decision has any affect on the disappearing act.  Anyway, this was a perfect first date.  He tells you that he had a great time and can't wait to see you again.  He might even make plans with you for date number two.  You are one hundred percent sure that you will hear from him again and already start thinking about what outfit you will wear on the second date.  Your friends are excited and again totally certain this guy will contact you.  And then it happens…nothing.  Radio silence.  A day passes, three days, a week with nothing.  You decide to be the modern female and message him with a simple hello.  Obviously you don't want to seem needy and ask why he disappeared!  Once you have sent the hello message the phone gets tossed away from wherever you are sitting just so you can avoid checking it every five minutes.  The next morning you still haven't received a hello message.  Now you are probably entering panic mode.  You run through every moment of the date.  Did you have something in your teeth?  Were you a bad kisser or worse….bad in bed????  Your friends tell you that you are being silly.  You are the perfect woman and they would absolutely date you if they were a man.  If all of that is true, what the hell happened?????

It's simple.  You have just met a Houdini, a magician, an expert at the disappearing act.  This is the guy who can only handle one night or a week of messages/phone calls.  He can't commit past that.  It had nothing to do with you.  He never had any intention of taking this further than a few days or weeks.  You couldn't have seen this coming.  None of these men wear signs that say, "I will give you a week of awesome and then disappear.  Want to play?"  I find the only way to deal with the magician is to move on and let it go.  Do not beat yourself up over these guys.  Complain to your friends over cocktails and shake it off while checking out the hot bartender.