Friday, December 27, 2013

From the Fellas: Turn-offs When Dating (Part 2)

Let me start by saying thank you to everyone who read and commented on the last "From the Fellas" post.  It seems this feature is a hit, which makes me very happy!  Here is the much anticipated part 2...

When the guys began discussing their number two turn-off, I wasn't surprised.  Actually, I thought this would be number one.  Not every one of the fellas had this as their number two, but it was on the majority of their lists in some capacity.  So, here it is.  The number two turn-off: Labeling Things too Quickly

Remember that the question to the fells was, "What are your top three turn-offs after having 3-5 dates with a female?"  I was confused by the answer because it seemed awfully quick to want a label.  So, I mentioned that to the guys.  Some of them said it took females a little longer than 3-5 dates to directly ask where the relationship stood, but females would drop hints in that time frame.  We are a sneaky bunch, apparently!

All of the guys said they like to just go with the flow.  They are not interested in labeling things right away, but when they did decide a certain female was the one they wanted to be with, they would bring it up...when they deemed it the appropriate amount of time.  Every guy seemed to be exceedingly concerned with being labeled as "boyfriend" before they were ready.  I asked the obvious question of how long it would take for a guy to know he wanted to move past the just dating phase.  The only response I actually received was that every situation is different.  It may take them a month with one girl and three months with another.

I decided to take this topic and do a little research before writing this post.  Here is where I became extremely confused and even frustrated.  I remember reading that women should take charge of the progress of the relationship, but could not remember who had written this gem.  Low and behold it was Steve Harvey.  Yes, I read his book and some of it even made sense, but honestly, it seemed a bit extreme for me.

Anyway, Mr. Harvey is of the opinion that women need to set the pace because men never will unless women make the demands and standards.  He says we have the power, yet we relinquish it because we want a man to want us.  Okay, I can see that.  We all have that friend that is strong and independent until a man comes along and suddenly she is passive.  He also tells us that any man worth having will not have an issue with us setting the pace.  Agreed.  I absolutely agree with Mr. Harvey on this topic, but can anyone else see why this is confusing????

According to my guy friends, we should let them decide where a relationship stands and when to address said status, but Steve Harvey says to do the opposite.  This is why dating causes mental breakdowns and devouring of entire gallons of ice cream (and cases of wine). 

What should we do?  Should be play aloof and just go with the flow?  Should we set the pace of the relationship?  I have been facing this in my own dating life lately.  Here is what I have learned: A man who is interested in you, TRULY interested in you, will discuss this topic with you.  He will tell how he feels about such things and where he stands currently in the relationship.  He will not spook, hell, he may even be the one to bring it up to you.  Just like every one of my guy friends said each situation was different based on the girl they were dating, the same holds true for us.  If you feel comfortable discussing with the guy you are dating, then you should.  If you are not sure how he will react, there is only one way to find out.  However, I will say I think 3-5 dates with anyone is a bit soon to start picking out your monogramed towel sets.  My only piece of advice for this topic is...relax and maybe wait until you have had few more dates/time together.

*Stay tuned for Part 3.  Once again, thank you for all the feedback on this new feature!


  1. alright yes, three to five...but what if you're doing long distance? What's the rule then when you only get to see each other, ehh maybe once a month? Are you suppose to set some sort of "I won't sleep around since we are hanging out" thing. BECAUSE, this has been a whirlwind of confusion for me!

    1. I have recently broached this topic myself. The guy I am seeing does not live in the same city, so we see each other when we can. Between work schedules and the holidays, that time has been limited. First of all, I do not like the term "hanging out". It seems to confuse the whole thing. Personally, if I am "hanging out" with a guy, then I am free to do whatever I want. Now, if I am seeing a guy, I am not one to date other men. This is my choice. The guy I am seeing discussed this with me and we decided that we are content with each other. We are not seeing other people. All I can offer is to discuss it.